Monday Weigh In

I hope everyone is having a smashing week. Mine's going great, but things are hectic, which is why I'm posting the results of my Monday weigh in on a Wednesday. I guess I'm not the most disciplined blogger...

Anyway, the scale read 231.5 which means that I'm down another 1.5 pounds and am only 3.5 from my original 50. I was super psyched to have a loss after my dissappointing weigh in the previous Monday but part of me imagined that I would lose more than usuall because I felt like the scale totally owed me. Any loss is good, though!

I've been meaning to reflect on how different life has been these past 37 days. I've been thinking a lot about how I'm different and how I keep changing in ways big and small. I will do all of that soon. But right now, I think I should just be proud that I'm continuing to lose and that I'm making some time to post the results!

A Case of the Moooondays

It's Groundhog Day. I got on the scale this morning and it said 233.0 which means a total change of zilch this week. I was a little taken aback because I didn't expect to hit a bump so soon. In the past when I've "plateaued" it's always actually been because I wasn't being honest. I was telling myself that I was "dieting" but I was really eating cake or not measuring my food or something like that.

This week was different. By the numbers (calories in/out) I should have lost 2.24 pounds this week. This just shows what an inexact science this is (or does it have to do with my nutritional deficiencies that I mentioned in my last post?). I guess that sometimes you can do the right thing and get garbage results.

Another time, I would have thrown my hands up and hightailed it to the nearest bakery for some baklava. This time, I'm giving my body more time. I know that if I stick with it, I have to lose weight eventually. That's just the way it is. At least, even if I didn't lose weight, I grew stronger in the habits that will help me reach my goal. A week spent remaking myself is well spent.

Here's to a healthier week!

Feeling the Difference

Since I rededicated myself on June 1, I've challenged myself to go beyond just counting calories to focus on nutrition. There are a lot of great nutrition tracking websites out there; as I mentioned before, I've been using SparkPeople. I've tracked every bite I've taken and tried to stay within my calorie range. I've been trying to make sure I get the right amount of water, fiber, protein, fat and carbohydrates.

I honestly always felt like people who said good nutrition made them feel better were full of crap. I thought it was just one of the lies people told themselves when they can no longer cram pizza in their mouths. I imagined that the deprivation had made them delirious or something. That's why I was surprised that I actually did feel better after I started trying to eat healthier. I had way more energy, didn't feel half as bitchy as usual and felt more clear headed and focused. However, I denied that this could be a nutrition thing until this week.

It's been a busy week for me and I've felt like I was constantly rushing so I could fall behind. I've remained disciplined about tracking and exercising and I haven't gone over my calorie allowance once this week, but a lot of calorie dense, nutrient poor foods have creeped into my diet. I honestly think that there's room in my diet for a cookie a day or a half a cup of frozen yogurt, but this week, junk food has taken up at least a third of my calories. This means I'm not leaving enough room for real nutrition and to tell the truth, I've really felt the differnce. I've been dragging and I've found it so much harder to get through my day.

Today I'm back to a focus on real nutrition. I'm worth the effort it takes to plan and I'm craving that energy.

Weekly Weigh In

New weight: 233

Change: -2.0!


Sorry about the short post. It's late and I'm exhausted but I wanted to check in.

There's Never a Good time

In 2007 I lost about thirty pounds. It's the same thirty pounds that I've kept off through holidays, and tough semesters and Ben and Jerry's pittyfests. I lost it when I was really scared for my health and had three miraculous, stress free months during which to focus myself.

But then in the fall of that year, a long brewing problem with my parents blew up. Things got bad and I needed to find a new place to live in a hurry. It's not that it wasn't about time I was out on my own, but it was the way it happened and the terrible hurt it created that set me back. I gave myself permission to stop trying "for now" and went back to the chocolate chip self medicating.

Then Christmas of that year came and I was stressed out about the rift in my family that continued throughout the holidays. I just couldn't diet then! Then in January, my cat died and I was devastated. How could I say no to pizza? Then I had a tough semester. Then I went on a conference. Then I took a summer class. Then I was robbed. Then more conferences, holidays, heartaches; then more challenges with grad school and work. Then I had a car accident. Then I bought a new car. Then someone hit my new car.

The point of my list of major stressors is not that I want sympathy. In fact, if this was a contest, I bet that each of you could come up with a list that would put mine to shame. Actually, my point is that easing my expectations of myself seemed to make sense each time. It seemed like a smart idea to wait for a "good time". Why complicate life? What I didn't realize until recently is that there will never be a good time. That's life. There will always be some drama and heartache and if I only use the times in between to work toward my goals, I'll never reach them.

That's why, even though I'm in class five hours a day after work this month, I recommitted myself to my weight loss efforts on June 1st. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. I wanted to tell all of those people who checked in on me while I was waiting for the "right time" these past three or four months that I was back, that I missed them too and I was ready to do it this time, but I thought it might sound hollow after all of my past false starts. I needed the words to be 100% true and I needed to have some success under my belt.

So I'm back and am officially on my 17th day of badass discipline. I'm tracking every last bite and sip on SparkPeople and I'm making exercise a priority. I'm staying within a calorie range of 1600-1950 which is allowing me to lose weight at a modest pace without turning into a chocolate craving beast.

How am I doing? I started the month hanging my head at 243 lbs. I had gained some wait while I was waiting for life to be perfect. I weigh in on Mondays, and this Monday I was at 235.0 lbs. This time around, I am focusing on nutrition: getting a balance of fiber, protein, carbs and fat. I'm eating enough fruits and vegetables and drinking enough water. And you know what? I feel amazing. I have so much energy. Normally, I would be dragging myself through class, but I feel energized and purposeful. So really, by rededicating myself, I've turned this into the "right time" for positive change.

So don't wait! Come with me if you haven't started yet. We'll weather this together and come out happy and better able to handle those bumps in the road. If you've been going strong, thanks for blazing the trail. I've been so inspired by so many of you along the way.

Weigh In!

I'm late again. I won't even bother with the cute graphic. I weighed in (on Sunday--I can't believe how long it took me to log in and report it) and the scale said 237 and I said "thanks, scale." That's down .5 pounds from the previous week.

Considering that I didn't get my butt in gear until my somewhat whiny post from late in the week, I'm really happy with .5 pounds. Considering the damage I could have done, I'm glad to have a loss to report.

I appreciated the support and advice I got from Bloggerland. You'll be pleased to know that I was super motivated after my last post. I've been tracking every last bite of food on The DailyPlate. Thanks to those who suggested it! I love seeing what percentage of my calories I've eaten and it helps to know if 75% of my calories have come from fat! It's really keeping me honest and giving me some good insight on this process.

I've also been working out a lot. I'm still on a fitness team where I work and I'm pretty proud to say that we're kicking a lot of butt. Presently, we are in 4th place out of over 100 teams and we're .2 points away from third. I've never realized how competitive I can be, but I'm not about to question a good thing. I'm just glad I found some additional motivation to move.

Processing the Problem

Thanks to all who commented in response to my post yesterday. I appreciate all the advice and tough love that came my way. I really needed a kick in the pants and some tips and I knew I could count on my blog buddies.

I wish that keeping junk food out of the house was an option for me. I live with my sister who is most definitely not on the same page as I am. She's shorter and is carrying a little more weight than I am. She also faces a lot of the same potential health problems as I do since we both come from a long line of tpe II diabetics and have a very strong family history of heart disease. However, while I bite my nails considering what could happen if I don't change my ways, she maintains a belief in her own invincibility that is as zealous as it is foolhardy. She loves fried food and chocolate and dammit, that's what she's going to eat.

I've said before that it wouldn't be so hard to change if I was living with someone who's not on the same page as I am, but the trouble is that she's reading a whole other book. She resists the changes I'm trying to make in my own life. She scrunches her nose about my attempts to eat healthier and she pressures me to eat things I shouldn't eat. I mean really pressures me. Last night, for example, she got out the Pazcki. She held the box under my nose and I said no thank you.

"Why?"

"Because I don't want one."

"Sure you do, they're good. I'll get you a plate. Here eat it."

I resisted and resisted and got angry and gave in. I wasn't hungry. I didn't want it. But I ate it. I was so disgusted with myself that I cried. I don't know why I couldn't find the strength to walk away. Afterwards, I confronted my sister about being a food pusher and she defended herself by saying that she didn't make me eat it. This was very true and I know that the responsibility for my decisions rests with me alone. Why shouldn't it? It's my knees that have to carry around the extra weight. But I haven't been feeling strong lately and living with someone who is threatened by the changes I'm trying to make makes life really difficult.

So keeping foods I have difficulty resisting out of the house isn't really an option and I obviously can't count on my sister to be supportive enough to keep her assorted goodies out of my sight, so I need to find a way around this barrier.

Ria's suggestion about journaling everything I ate struck a chord with me, mostly because I felt so repelled by the idea. My reaction seemed odd to me. I know it's good advice. In the times in my life when I've dropped weight, before my recent slow down, I always tracked what I ate. So why was I so resistant to it now? I think part of me is in denial. I recently read a post by Chubby Chick in which she talked about the fact that she was angry that she can't eat like a "normal person" and that her desire to be "normal" has quite ironically contributed to a 100 pound gain in the last 2 years. Her anger really resonated with me. I wish that eating properly could just be second nature for me. I wish that I didn't have to think about it. If I write everything I eat, I'm acknowledging that I must be constantly mindful. But not writing down points or calories, not acknowledging what I eat and how much of it I eat won't negate the consequences of all my munching. It will just enable me to avoid responsibility and awareness and will lead to unpleasant surprises and ultimately a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. I'm tired of that feeling. There may be a time in my life when I can "eat like a normal person" without measuring and counting, but as Yoda said, "you must unlearn what you have learned" before you can adopt a new way of being. ("Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." Might also be an appropriate Yodaism at this point.)

So thanks, Ria. It should have been so second nature for me to decide to return to recording what I eat, but it wasn't; I really needed someone to say it!

In addition, I think I can work to combat the temptation of living with a food pusher by being better prepared. I'm going to try to be proactive and have healthier options that we both like. The theory here is that she will buy less garbage and if she does try to push something that will break my day, I can have something else to turn to to stave off temptation. I've been kicking around some options. Sugar free Jell-O is like a Godsend. With only 10 calories a serving, I can turn to it when I'm having a sweet craving without feeling guilty. I also find the sugar free pudding helpful for the same reason. Fresh berries feel like a splurge since I'm on a budget, but they also make a delicious dessert when I mix them with fat free vanilla yogurt. Finally, I'm really digging on sorbet and No Pudge brownies. I just need to stock my shelves with these items as defense against all the other crap I might consider putting into my body.

Any way, that's where my head's at today. I'm journaling every bite and have been strong enough to resist the brownies in the office. I'm planning a walk on lunch though I'd much rather curl up and read.

Thank you all for being my Yodas!